Bitter Sweet

I figured I better update this. As most of you already know the little guy that our family was matched with we will not be getting. Almost two weeks of wishing, hoping and preparing. To say the least it was heartbreaking. We found out he wasn't coming home with us on Monday after visiting him for an hour and having him fall asleep on me. If I wasn't in love already I sure was when I walked out of that visit. As I was driving home I got the call that said it all. We found out about a week into it that he has a little sister. She was on life support fighting for her life and not expected to make it. Well on Monday we found out she pulled through...what a little fighter. However she is what's considered medically fragile. Our home is not licensed to accept a child that is medically fragile. The state found a family that is licensed and willing to take them both. So as the title says its very bitter sweet. We know he is where he needs to be, with his little sister in a loving home. I pray for them both that God will continue to heal that little girl and bring peace for both of them.

I'm great full he was never placed in our home and then taken away. That would have been pure torture. Make a break for the border torture.

I think Hayden thinks we are nuts. He's probably thinking I've gone off the deep end and created an imaginary friend. Because one day we were talking about and preparing for this little guy. And the next we were putting high chairs and car seat away and never said his name again. Not sure if I handled that right in hindsight. Should I have tried to explain it better? Probably...ooopps live and learn.

I want to thank all of you who posted such nice things on facebook or sent us an email or called. We really appreciate the support. Your thoughts and prayers make all the difference. For those of you who have called and asked and those of you who are just wondering. Yes we are sure we want to do this. Yes we know that we will probably face more heartache. Yes we know the next time might come close to breaking us. It's the HOPE that gets us past all of this. It's the HOPE of being a mommy and daddy again that makes the heartache worth it. It the HOPE that God has a plan for us on his time and not ours that keeps us going.

We've made a pact that the next time we go public with news we will be holding a baby in our arms in our house. So stay tuned.....

Love,
Tina

Romans 8:24-25
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Dry run!

Yesterday we met with the adoption coordinator. What an amazing lady. So nice and you could really tell she loves her job. I believe her job is tell it like it is and stretch us as foster parents a little bit. What I mean by this is that she gave us a lot to think about and pray about. You think as a foster parent you write up your home study and that's it! They go by what is in your home study. What we said we wanted and what were were willing to take in. She presented us with several different scenario's of which we now have to consider. She pulled on our heartstrings a little bit. There are so many children who need loving homes and stability it just breaks my heart. The foster/adoption agency that we are working with has a shelter so they get children in all the time. She informed us at our lunch that if we were interested she could check and see if any of the children met our criteria. Would we be interested? We could have a child in our home probably this weekend. Hmmm let me think about this yes..yes and yes!!!! I look over at Mike who at this point looks a little pale and curb my enthusiasm slightly. So tell me more? She has to go back to the shelter and see what the status is and she will call us. We walk out of lunch I look up at Mike who looks completely shell shocked. Not pass out shocked but still shocked. We both just didn't expect this to happen so quickly. Luckily I didn't have much time to obsess about it I needed to go get Hayden so by the time she called we were just walking in the door. So there were two babies at the shelter that met our criteria. Long story short after what was about the most intense half hour of my life. We found out both babies had already been placed with other families. I don't think I even know how to describe the mix of emotions that I felt during that half hour. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life when I walked around with so much nervous energy that I didn't know what to do. I mean I literally just walked around the house with thoughts of everything I needed to do in my head but not being able to do anything. I'm glad I had that luxury poor Mike was at work in meetings. I'm guessing his mind was anywhere but at work.

So the matching has begun. What this means is that any babies/children that come through CPS or the shelter that meet our criteria (age mostly) our home study will be sent in. At that point we just wait and see if we are selected. This could be tomorrow or could be months from now. I learned from what Mike deemed our "dry run" that this process happens quickly and you don't get a lot of time to think about it. So I am currently attached to my phone. Which is a really weird feeling for me I usually never am. Just ask anyone who tries to get a hold of me at any point in the day...lol

We were also presented with the idea that there are children out there that might be slightly outside of what our criteria is but they are legally ready for adoption now. We knew this but when an actual child is described to you it makes a difference. When someone describes a little one that is ready with no legal battle, to come into our home, it really makes you think. So we are really going to be thinking a praying on this to see where we're lead. I can say the thought of holding a little baby again and having one in our home was really exciting. So I am not sure how much I am willing to stretch the criteria right now. The heartbreak might prove to be too much and we may decide to go that route but for now I think we stick with the original plan.

We've also have the opportunity to do respite care. Which is a fancy way of saying babysit. We would babysit for other foster/adoptive families. Maybe for a couple of hours or a day or even overnight. We're looking forward to this aspect of it since it's been 6 years since we had a baby in our home. This will give us a chance to get our feet wet a little bit and see if what we originally want still holds true. To see what might be the best fit for our family.

I want to once again send a sincere thank you out to you. I know there are several of you out there who are praying for us. Some of you even daily. Some of you do whenever I ask or post that prayers are needed. This means the world to us. I am praying that God sends us what is meant to be. I know that we are going to face some heartbreak and it's not going to be easy. I pray that we learn from that and use it for His glory.

Love,
Tina