Bitter Sweet

I figured I better update this. As most of you already know the little guy that our family was matched with we will not be getting. Almost two weeks of wishing, hoping and preparing. To say the least it was heartbreaking. We found out he wasn't coming home with us on Monday after visiting him for an hour and having him fall asleep on me. If I wasn't in love already I sure was when I walked out of that visit. As I was driving home I got the call that said it all. We found out about a week into it that he has a little sister. She was on life support fighting for her life and not expected to make it. Well on Monday we found out she pulled through...what a little fighter. However she is what's considered medically fragile. Our home is not licensed to accept a child that is medically fragile. The state found a family that is licensed and willing to take them both. So as the title says its very bitter sweet. We know he is where he needs to be, with his little sister in a loving home. I pray for them both that God will continue to heal that little girl and bring peace for both of them.

I'm great full he was never placed in our home and then taken away. That would have been pure torture. Make a break for the border torture.

I think Hayden thinks we are nuts. He's probably thinking I've gone off the deep end and created an imaginary friend. Because one day we were talking about and preparing for this little guy. And the next we were putting high chairs and car seat away and never said his name again. Not sure if I handled that right in hindsight. Should I have tried to explain it better? Probably...ooopps live and learn.

I want to thank all of you who posted such nice things on facebook or sent us an email or called. We really appreciate the support. Your thoughts and prayers make all the difference. For those of you who have called and asked and those of you who are just wondering. Yes we are sure we want to do this. Yes we know that we will probably face more heartache. Yes we know the next time might come close to breaking us. It's the HOPE that gets us past all of this. It's the HOPE of being a mommy and daddy again that makes the heartache worth it. It the HOPE that God has a plan for us on his time and not ours that keeps us going.

We've made a pact that the next time we go public with news we will be holding a baby in our arms in our house. So stay tuned.....

Love,
Tina

Romans 8:24-25
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Dry run!

Yesterday we met with the adoption coordinator. What an amazing lady. So nice and you could really tell she loves her job. I believe her job is tell it like it is and stretch us as foster parents a little bit. What I mean by this is that she gave us a lot to think about and pray about. You think as a foster parent you write up your home study and that's it! They go by what is in your home study. What we said we wanted and what were were willing to take in. She presented us with several different scenario's of which we now have to consider. She pulled on our heartstrings a little bit. There are so many children who need loving homes and stability it just breaks my heart. The foster/adoption agency that we are working with has a shelter so they get children in all the time. She informed us at our lunch that if we were interested she could check and see if any of the children met our criteria. Would we be interested? We could have a child in our home probably this weekend. Hmmm let me think about this yes..yes and yes!!!! I look over at Mike who at this point looks a little pale and curb my enthusiasm slightly. So tell me more? She has to go back to the shelter and see what the status is and she will call us. We walk out of lunch I look up at Mike who looks completely shell shocked. Not pass out shocked but still shocked. We both just didn't expect this to happen so quickly. Luckily I didn't have much time to obsess about it I needed to go get Hayden so by the time she called we were just walking in the door. So there were two babies at the shelter that met our criteria. Long story short after what was about the most intense half hour of my life. We found out both babies had already been placed with other families. I don't think I even know how to describe the mix of emotions that I felt during that half hour. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life when I walked around with so much nervous energy that I didn't know what to do. I mean I literally just walked around the house with thoughts of everything I needed to do in my head but not being able to do anything. I'm glad I had that luxury poor Mike was at work in meetings. I'm guessing his mind was anywhere but at work.

So the matching has begun. What this means is that any babies/children that come through CPS or the shelter that meet our criteria (age mostly) our home study will be sent in. At that point we just wait and see if we are selected. This could be tomorrow or could be months from now. I learned from what Mike deemed our "dry run" that this process happens quickly and you don't get a lot of time to think about it. So I am currently attached to my phone. Which is a really weird feeling for me I usually never am. Just ask anyone who tries to get a hold of me at any point in the day...lol

We were also presented with the idea that there are children out there that might be slightly outside of what our criteria is but they are legally ready for adoption now. We knew this but when an actual child is described to you it makes a difference. When someone describes a little one that is ready with no legal battle, to come into our home, it really makes you think. So we are really going to be thinking a praying on this to see where we're lead. I can say the thought of holding a little baby again and having one in our home was really exciting. So I am not sure how much I am willing to stretch the criteria right now. The heartbreak might prove to be too much and we may decide to go that route but for now I think we stick with the original plan.

We've also have the opportunity to do respite care. Which is a fancy way of saying babysit. We would babysit for other foster/adoptive families. Maybe for a couple of hours or a day or even overnight. We're looking forward to this aspect of it since it's been 6 years since we had a baby in our home. This will give us a chance to get our feet wet a little bit and see if what we originally want still holds true. To see what might be the best fit for our family.

I want to once again send a sincere thank you out to you. I know there are several of you out there who are praying for us. Some of you even daily. Some of you do whenever I ask or post that prayers are needed. This means the world to us. I am praying that God sends us what is meant to be. I know that we are going to face some heartbreak and it's not going to be easy. I pray that we learn from that and use it for His glory.

Love,
Tina

Get out of Dodge

For three years now I watched somewhat jealously (ok a lot jealous) all the kids that go running excitedly into their mommies arms after school. Hayden has always been a "get out of dodge" after school kid. No talking, no hugs, no nothing. Just take my back back and lets get out of here. Never cared who it was that was getting him out of there just happy someone was. Not that he doesn't like school or anything like that its just that at the end of the day he's just done and its time to go home. Well that was until this year. This year I hear momma half way down the hall. When he sees me his little face lights up and he runs to me and gives me the biggest hug. Is it bad that I have started hiding around the corner just to make it more exciting when he sees me? Nope not at all. For years I have watched and yearned for this. It's my time!! I plan to enjoy it until he stops. This morning I dropped him off in his class room and as I headed down the hall I heard his little voice from the door way "momma"....I turn around and say "yes baby"..and that same little voice says "I love you goodbye". "I love you too baby and I am so proud of you have a great day". Yes I cried a little (ok a lot). This is why I won't let him ride the bus thank you very much. I will not miss this every day. So all of you out there "Mike Makris" who think I should give up my need to control and let my little boy ride the bus...HA no way!!! Maybe next year or maybe when he goes to college.

First Day of School

This has only been our first week of school and although I am not thrilled with a few things this year - we'll save all of that for another post after I have to get all "momma bear" on the situation - for now I am letting it go. It is only the first week after all. His transition has been amazing. Generally the first week of school has always been really tough on Hayden. I thought we'd have issues this year especially because his room is new and we were on vacation the week before. I was wrong as I sometimes am. This year seems to be really coming together nicely. Not one meltdown and no tantrums getting ready or getting into the school. Way to go Hayden!!

Let me clear something up before I offend someone. I'm not anti bus at all. It's just that there is no reason for Hayden to ride the bus. I am a stay at home mom with no other kids at home so I just don't see the need. I am in no way saying kids shouldn't ride the bus or that I have something against it. Other than my husband being right that I do not like to give up control when it comes to Hayden. I know so many of my friends little guys just have a much better time transitioning to and from school with the bus. I just wanted you all to know that I am not anti bus...just anti someone else having control.

Quick update on our foster/adopt situation. I am much calmer then my last post and have everything that I can physically have ready..ready. Now we wait until that first call and go from there. My biggest fear is getting that call late at night when Mike is not home. He just calms me. I know if he is there everything will be alright. He just does that for me. I will be a freaking mess if he is not here. With no family close by to call for help it scares me half to death. I have had nightmares about it. Being woken up in the middle of the night with babies on the doorstep. Yes I know this is not how it is going to happen but tell that to my night time sub-conscience. Mark my words no big event ever goes uneventful or smooth for us. It always works out and we end up laughing about it later. I expect this will be no different. Stay tuned for the excitement.

Little tidbit, did you know where the phrase "get out of dodge" came from. The phrase was made famous by the TV show "Gunsmoke," in which villians were often commanded to "get the h@#! out of Dodge." The phrase took on its current meaning in the 1960s and 70s when teenagers began to use it in its current form.

Right now I am listening to Hayden sing "History in the making" by Darius Rucker. I have to laugh cause not only does he sing so darn cute but how appropriate for this stage of our world.

This could be one of those memories We want to hold on to, cling to, One we can’t forget The door to forever, What if this was that moment That chance worth taking, History in the making

I took the last first kiss line out cause it didn't fit our situation as much as the rest...lol. Not to diminish my last first kiss cause it was AMAZING and I will never forget it....

Love,
Tina
This is how we spent one of the last days of summer vacation!! "Gentleman start your engines". The man and little man in my life had an amazing time and I am glad they invited me to come along this time.

The calm before the storm

Well here it is our license. We made it through classes, inspections, first aid, CPR, self defense, car seat safety, home study and final walk through. We did it in record time. Well we did it faster than most anyway. So now the waiting begins. Our calm before the storm.

At this moment I am calm. About 2 weeks ago I was in a complete panic. I sent Mike into the attic fully thinking I kept some of Hayden's baby clothes and necessities. When he brought down the 3 storage bins (only 3) there was a big fat NOTHING!! Ok I had a ton of blankets that I kept...oh great those are gonna be useful in TEXAS!!!! I did however keep 1 pair of jeans. When I pulled them out I instantly remembered why I kept that pair of jeans. They looked so darn cute on Hayden in his 3 month pictures. But did I keep a onsie, a sleeper, a pair of socks..NO, NO and NO. I did however keep my diaper bags...I have every intention on getting a new super cool style that they have out right now. So that's useless. I sent him back into the attic and made him look for my boppy. I know I didn't get rid of my boppy. How can I not have my boppy??? FULL BLOWN PANIC. Why on earth I was so freaked out about not having a boppy at that minute is beyond me. Hello...you do not have any clothes for this baby. Oh but it will be comfy and cozy in a boppy. It will be naked but at least I will have a boppy darn it!!

Me: Mike what are we gonna do without a boppy? Mike: Tina we'll just buy a new boppy. Me: You don't understand they are like $40 now and I know I would not have given my boppy to anybody. Mike: Tina we can afford a $40 boppy it will be fine. Me: But Hayden loved that boppy. (I have at this moment just come the realization that I do not want a new boppy I want Hayden's boppy) Mike (with a complete exasperated face) It will be ok I promise. Do you want me to go and look again. Me: YES!! Boppy found in a bag labeled "Boppy" imagine that!


And this would be why I wanted Hayden's boppy...not some new $40 boppy with no history. My Hayden's boppy. Because he LOVED it!! You can't tell by the look on his face but he LOVED it!


FULL BLOWN PANIC. We have NOTHING...no sleeper, no booties, no nothing!! So I do what I always do when I am in a panic and Mike keeps telling me it will be ok. I call my sister - Lisa to the rescue. She unlike me still has everything - sleepers, onsies, booties. Everything in all sizes!! All I have to do is bring a suitcase and fill it up when we go home.

I should tell you all that I have all the big stuff (crib, swing, high chair) but none of the little everyday stuff. So it's not like we are starting over from scratch. We just had none of the little stuff and I remember how much little stuff you need and how expensive it was going to be if we had to start over from scratch. Thank goodness I have an amazing sister and some great friends I now won't have too.

I'm a planner. I like to know what is going on, when it is going to happen and prepare before it happens. I don't have 9 months to prepare to buy and shop and plan. When you are pregnant you pretty much know at the end of 9 months you are going to have newborn! Well that couple in Texas that just had the 16 lb baby not so much. But for the most part its going to be a newborn and most new parents even know what they are going to have. Again complete planning... I like this. I however, have NO IDEA. Is it going to be a newborn or a 6 month old? Boy or girl? NO IDEA. So now all I can do is wait..I've planned and prepared as much as I possibly can. I will now enjoy the calm before the storm. That is until I have another panic attack..I'm a planner I know I will have another one.

Here's a funny story for you:
Up until this point Hayden has always said "yes" whenever we ask if he wants a baby to come to our house. Let me share another conversation with you: Me: Hayden do you want to be a big brother to a baby? Hayden: NO!! (he is even shaking his head for emphasis) Me: Why not? Hayden: Babies cry. (Have I told you all my child is a genius). What do I say to this? Yes babies do cry and ours might cry a lot! So we started reading books about being a big brother. He still says he doesn't want a baby. This has been stressing me out a little bit. Baby Ryley came to our house yesterday and I took her up to his room where he was playing and laid her on his bed and waited. Hayden looked at her and in the cutest voice I ever heard said "hi baby". My heart melted. He is going to be the BEST big brother ever. When I picked her up to come back down stairs he didn't want me to take her out of his room. He even held her and gave her a kiss! Sweetest thing EVER!
More evidence as to why I wanted this BOPPY! Just in case you needed it! Same Boppy as above only with a boy cover!

Oh I also still have that blanket!!

So we now enter the calm before the storm...the quiet before the madness...the starting point of what will eventually become the completeness of our family.
Love,
Tina

Fragile what?

Fragile X Syndrome. Ever heard of it? Would you know what it was if you didn't know us? Like most people up until October of 2007 we had never heard of it either. Today is National Fragile X awareness day. Feel free to share this blog.

fragile X syndrome (FXS), the most common cause of inherited mental impairment. This impairment can range from learning disabilities to more severe cognitive or intellectual disabilities. FXS is the most common known cause of autism or "autistic-like" behaviors. Symptoms also can include characteristic physical and behavioral features and delays in speech and language development.

fragile X-associated tremor/ataxia syndrome (FXTAS), a condition which affects balance, tremor and memory in some older male and female gene carriers.

fragile X-associated primary ovarian insufficiency (FXPOI), a problem with ovarian function which can lead to infertility and early menopause in some female gene carriers.

Some gene carriers do not exhibit any of these features. To learn more about carriers click here.

Fragile X can be passed on in a family by individuals who have no apparent signs of this genetic condition. In some families a number of family members appear to be affected, whereas in other families a newly diagnosed individual may be the first family member to exhibit symptoms.

There are several things they are researching now that carriers may be more susceptible too. Such as Autoimmune disorders and Fibromyalgia.




Fragile X has changed our lives in so many ways.

Fragile X has made us stronger and better than I think we ever would have been without it.

Fragile X has made me a more loving and patient mommy than I ever thought I could be.

Fragile X makes us never take any accomplishment for granted. Stacking blocks is huge! Answering a question is a major big deal in our house. Dialing 911 (even when its inappropriate) is awesome. Peeing on the potty....amazing. Saying "momma" is still breathtaking to me. I will NEVER get tired of hearing it. Saying "I love you too"....still makes me cry.

Fragile X brought out Mike's inner advocate. It has taken him to the steps of the capitol and meetings that have now gotten us a Fragile X clinic in Texas.

Fragile X has taken us places we never would have been with people we never would have known. It will take us to Miami next summer.

Fragile X has made me a more compassionate friend.

Fragile X makes me admire and stand in awe of my little boy who struggles to accomplish the milestones that most take for granted.

Fragile X will always be a part of our lives and we will never quit praying and hoping for a cure.

Will my little boy with Fragile X syndrome ever graduate high school, drive a car, go to college or get married?....Fragile X makes me hope beyond all hope and dream beyond all dreams.

Tell someone about Fragile X syndrome today. In honor of Hayden and our family and so many others just like us that will never give up or quit dreaming the impossible.

Love,

Tina

Breathe just breathe...

I think I am going to be sick. I just scheduled our home study. This is really all starting to happen and fast! It's next week on Wednesday. We don't even have a week to corroborate our stories. Just kidding we don't need that WE ROCK!! I'm just gonna keep telling myself that...over and over again. For anyone who really knows me less than a week is just perfect. That way I won't spend weeks fretting and making myself a complete wreak. Mike is right now doing a happy dance. He only has to deal with my emotional mood swings over this issue for a very short period of time. It just hit me so hard. This is more than likely going to be the last summer of just Hayden and me. Why am I crying? I wanted this. We wanted this. At the classes we've been taking I've been talking with a lot of current families who are waiting to adopt the children they are fostering. It's such a waiting game. There are some really great stories and some that just make me so sad. I'm starting to get really nervous. I think it's mostly the unknown especially how Hayden is going to take all of this. How much time is this going to take away from him. I know it's going to be hard at first until we get into a rhythm and routine. I'm expecting that. I just hope Hayden will be ok. I think its hard cause there is really no way to prepare him. When you're pregnant you have months to get a child used to the idea and somewhat give them a heads up. We don't have that luxury. I have no idea how to explain all of this in a way that he will understand. I am sure he will do great. He always does. I always freak out and he handles it beautifully. So I am hoping and praying that this is no different.

Like I said before this is all happening so fast. We were denied in May, they told us we couldn't be foster parents. Then in June we got an email saying they wanted to work with us and it's been fast tracked ever since. So after going through all of the classes and figuring out a lot of the rules. There are as you all probably know a lot that I can't blog about. Like use real names or pictures so I either have to use just an initial or come up with a nickname. I'm really bummed that I can't put any picture up on this blog or on FB. I understand completely why and it makes perfect sense. I will be able as soon as we get permission to adopt. So bear with me while I figure all of that out.

This have been one exciting summer! July seem to be as of right now a little bit of breather. Nobody visiting and nothing on the calendar for the most part. I am going to take full advantage of it. I am looking forward to a month of nothing to do and no where to go. I'm just going to breathe and enjoy the next month. Because it's gonna get crazy again in August.

Love,

Tina

PS when did I become Mom and not mommy or mama? I'm not sure I really like it! Up until this week It was only occasionally that he called me mom. Huge "sigh" my baby is growing up very FAST before my eyes.

To tell or not to tell...that is the question...

I don't want to tell. Why? I learned the hard way the more people you tell the bigger the heart break because then you have to go back and tell everyone you told that you failed then relive the heartbreak over and over again. That's my experience....because in January of last year when we didn't get pregnant all I wanted was to live with the grief all by myself but I couldn't. I had to tell our family and friends who were almost as heart broken as we were that we did not get pregnant. That our prayer was not answered. That our last hope of having a baby was over. I did this over and over again. I would like to thank all our friends for understanding when I sent out an impersonal text message. I couldn't bear to repeat it one more time. I want to thank God who is patient and understanding for always being there even when I didn't think he was. Even when I cursed him and then begged him for forgiveness. Thank you for forgiveness. I want to thank those of you who prayed for peace and strength through our loss. I want to thank the little boy who was during that time and always is my sunshine. I want to thank my husband who is my rock and my home. Without all of you I'm not sure where I would be and if healing ever would have came. Ok enough about that. I think I'm stalling.....

Those of you who know Mike and I know that we NEVER fight. Ok, ok so we have disagreements but we're really good at admitting fault and apologizing so it never turns into a fight ever. I just give the silent treatment and he asks whats wrong over and over again then he says he's sorry and all is forgiven...it just works for us! ;) All kidding aside we do rarely disagree with each other. We always play to the other person's strengths. So I thought this is kind of my strength so we'll go with what I think. Well we disagreed on this one big time. I was in shock I thought he'd be with me. Nope no such luck. So here is our latest adventure of our hearts....

After praying and deliberating and deliberating and praying. Mike and I have decided that our family is not yet complete. So we prayed some more and talked some more. I said to Mike "do we tell or not?" Thinking as I said above he would agree with me when I said I don't want to tell anybody anything yet. He so did not! I got a little defensive and asked why? My wonderful husband then says "because the more family and friends that are praying for us and with us the better". Well crap what can I say to that. "Yes dear you are right". He also said "what exactly is your plan Tina?" "are we just gonna show up in Michigan with a few more kids and say oh by the way". Yes, yes that is exactly what I was thinking. Crap again...I did marry a smart man. After much talk and research and more prayers we've decided to become foster parents with the intent of adopting. There I said it. It's out!!!

I know what you are thinking...Can we do it? What are we gonna do if we have a child for a year and that child goes back to their biological parents? Do you think you can handle that? Well I don't know.....and I don't know how I will ever guard my heart so that it doesn't break in a million pieces if that does happen. I know that as a family we have so much more love to give. I know that Hayden will make an awesome big brother. I know that Mike and I are ready to be parents again. I know that there are a lot of children and babies out there who have not been loved and nurtured that need a happy and healthy home. I know their little faces break my heart. I know that we can make a difference in a child's life even if it is only for a little while.

So while there are so many unknown's and those unknown's scare us to death, I know that we are very blessed and will continue to be blessed. Besides life is a journey into the unknown anyways. I think we've done a pretty good job of navigating the unknown already.

Hayden will always be our first priority through this entire process. At anytime if it starts to effect him negatively we will reconsider. We are just about done with all of our classes and then we have our home study (YIKES). I promise to keep you posted every step of the way. So now that I've said it, I come to once again and ask you to pray for us and then pray for us some more.

Love,
Tina

"Sometimes on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one"
This is what I have on our adoption notebook. I'm not sure who said it but I love it.