I don't want to tell. Why? I learned the hard way the more people you tell the bigger the heart break because then you have to go back and tell everyone you told that you failed then relive the heartbreak over and over again. That's my experience....because in January of last year when we didn't get pregnant all I wanted was to live with the grief all by myself but I couldn't. I had to tell our family and friends who were almost as heart broken as we were that we did not get pregnant. That our prayer was not answered. That our last hope of having a baby was over. I did this over and over again. I would like to thank all our friends for understanding when I sent out an impersonal text message. I couldn't bear to repeat it one more time. I want to thank God who is patient and understanding for always being there even when I didn't think he was. Even when I cursed him and then begged him for forgiveness. Thank you for forgiveness. I want to thank those of you who prayed for peace and strength through our loss. I want to thank the little boy who was during that time and always is my sunshine. I want to thank my husband who is my rock and my home. Without all of you I'm not sure where I would be and if healing ever would have came. Ok enough about that. I think I'm stalling.....
Those of you who know Mike and I know that we NEVER fight. Ok, ok so we have disagreements but we're really good at admitting fault and apologizing so it never turns into a fight ever. I just give the silent treatment and he asks whats wrong over and over again then he says he's sorry and all is forgiven...it just works for us! ;) All kidding aside we do rarely disagree with each other. We always play to the other person's strengths. So I thought this is kind of my strength so we'll go with what I think. Well we disagreed on this one big time. I was in shock I thought he'd be with me. Nope no such luck. So here is our latest adventure of our hearts....
After praying and deliberating and deliberating and praying. Mike and I have decided that our family is not yet complete. So we prayed some more and talked some more. I said to Mike "do we tell or not?" Thinking as I said above he would agree with me when I said I don't want to tell anybody anything yet. He so did not! I got a little defensive and asked why? My wonderful husband then says "because the more family and friends that are praying for us and with us the better". Well crap what can I say to that. "Yes dear you are right". He also said "what exactly is your plan Tina?" "are we just gonna show up in Michigan with a few more kids and say oh by the way". Yes, yes that is exactly what I was thinking. Crap again...I did marry a smart man. After much talk and research and more prayers we've decided to become foster parents with the intent of adopting. There I said it. It's out!!!
I know what you are thinking...Can we do it? What are we gonna do if we have a child for a year and that child goes back to their biological parents? Do you think you can handle that? Well I don't know.....and I don't know how I will ever guard my heart so that it doesn't break in a million pieces if that does happen. I know that as a family we have so much more love to give. I know that Hayden will make an awesome big brother. I know that Mike and I are ready to be parents again. I know that there are a lot of children and babies out there who have not been loved and nurtured that need a happy and healthy home. I know their little faces break my heart. I know that we can make a difference in a child's life even if it is only for a little while.
So while there are so many unknown's and those unknown's scare us to death, I know that we are very blessed and will continue to be blessed. Besides life is a journey into the unknown anyways. I think we've done a pretty good job of navigating the unknown already.
Hayden will always be our first priority through this entire process. At anytime if it starts to effect him negatively we will reconsider. We are just about done with all of our classes and then we have our home study (YIKES). I promise to keep you posted every step of the way. So now that I've said it, I come to once again and ask you to pray for us and then pray for us some more.
"Sometimes on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one"
This is what I have on our adoption notebook. I'm not sure who said it but I love it.