Gotcha Day!

One year ago today our household was forever changed.  In tumbled one of the cutest, brown eyed little girls I had ever seen.  From the moment she walked in I loved her.  From that moment no matter what happened she would always have a piece of my heart.  Even if she didn't stay, I would never be the same.  I knew from that first moment that if we had to give her up it would tear me apart.  Luckily that did not happen and a little over six months later she officially became a Makris.

 

March 30, 2012

March 30, 2012 will always hold a very special place in my heart.  That was the day she became my daughter.  The day that Hayden became a big brother and the day Mike became a daddy to a little girl. 

It's funny how God knows what you need before you do.  We thought we knew what we wanted.  A child under two.  That was pretty much out only criteria.  Our home study started going out.  Some we didn't get chosen for, some we prepared our home for and for whatever reason placement fell through.  At the time that was so heartbreaking.  One we welcomed into our home for a few months and he found his forever home somewhere else.  After taking a break and grieving that loss for a few months.  We were ready for our home study to start being submitted again.  I got picky saying No to a lot of situations.  Setting our criteria a little (okay a lot) more "picky".  I only wanted a baby don't even submit unless the baby is under a year old and low risk.  So for a while it was slow.  The whole time thinking I was ready to say we're done.  I was happy with my family of three.  After Hayden got out of school for the summer we would say we were done.
Then we got a call on a 2.5 year old little girl named Cynthia and for some reason my heart said yes.  She was very low risk so I thought there were tons of names going in on this little girl.  Our chances were slim so why not.  I remember hanging up the phone and praying like I always did "its in your hands God, if it's meant to be then it will be".  A few weeks went by and frankly it was not even in my mind any more.  I got the call on a Monday saying They'd like us to come to the CPS offices and meet her.  So on Wednesday we went down to CPS and the cutest little girl walked right past us and I remember thinking "man I hope she looks like that" and feeling a little sad that they walked by.  Then they called our name and I thought I was gonna lose it when the case worker introduced us to the little girl that walked by.  She grabbed my hand and we walked into a room and that was it.  That little girl held my heart from the moment she took my hand.  I think she had Mike's when she sat on his lap.  When the meeting was wrapping up the case worker looked at us and said "take a few days to think about it and call and let me know".  Mike and I both looked at each other and said "there is nothing to think about when can we take her home".  Two days later she was in our house and in our lives forever.

Cynthia Diane Makris...thank you for making me a mommy for the second time.  I will love and protect you all the days.

Love
Your mommy

My Baby is Eight!!

My baby is eight!!  When did this happen???  It seems like just yesterday we were waiting at the hospital with our family and friends for him to arrive.  Waiting and waiting....

I've said it before and I will say it again, I became all I ever wanted to be on March 18th at 5:28pm.  That is  when I became a Mom.  That is when I held my little boy for the first time.  That is the moment my life all made sense.  I knew I had the most important job I would ever have.  That nothing else mattered but raising this little boy.  Hayden Michael Makris made me a mommy on that day and I have loved every single minute of being his mommy.

He was perfect!  I know every mom says that but he really was.  He was the cutest baby I had ever seen and so many people said the same thing so you know it's true.  A very long journey had come to end that day.   I decided on that day that I was not going to miss a minute of his life.  I was going to be there as much as I could for EVERYTHING he did.  That's why I am stay at home mom (and because I am a control freak).   Nobody could raise him as good as I could so lets just save everyone the headache and become a full time mommy.  Hayden you have brought so much joy into my life.  I am stronger and more loving than I ever thought I could be.  You make me want to be the best mom ever.  I only hope I can live up to everything you think I am.  Happy birthday my angel boy. I love you yesterday, today and tomorrow too.

Mommy.

Hey...guess what I found a keeper!!

Let me start this post by saying I KNOW how lucky I am.  I know I married an amazing man.  I knew it the first few times I was with him.  I knew he was different.  I knew from the start that this man was going to make a wonderful father and very loving and faithful husband.  I knew very early on that I was going to marry this man.  My parents knew that he was different after our first date.  My mom told me I glowed.  Then when they met him for the first time and Both of them liked him.  I knew this was for real.  That this man was a REAL man.  I knew when he wanted to take me out again after the first time he met my father that it was going to last.  You see, when Mike met my dad for the first time my dad was dressed in a tank top, bathing suit, cowboy boots, a coon skin hat and he was examining his double barrel shot gun.  Yes ladies and gentlemen Mike asked me out again.  We have since April 1st 1995 never taken a break from each other.  He then and always will be the last person I want to say goodnight too every night.  When he FINALLY asked me to marry him of course I said YES!!  Again, I know how amazing this man is.  He makes me whole, he makes me feel loved, he makes me feel special, he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world, he makes me feel sexy, he makes me feel secure and makes me feel these things every day, even when I don't deserve it.




We don't really fight, ever, its weird really and we ask ourselves often if we are normal.  I cannot remember a time we have ever had and argument that was resolved quickly.   In our relationship like every other one we have had ups and downs of course.  We have had hard times.  One of the hardest was when Hayden was diagnosed with Fragile X syndrome and we found out I was a carrier.  He could have walked away.  He could have said it's too hard.  He could have told me to deal with it and been unsupportive.  He never did, he held me while I cried and grieved.  He told me there was no body else he wanted to be with, no matter what happened.  No matter what we were in this together.  Whatever Hayden needed we would tackle it together.  We would face every challenge united.  We would and we do stand together as the first line of defense against all of the Fragile X heartaches that come our way.  We stand united in triumph as we witness the miracles of Fragile X.  I cannot imagine life without this man.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have such a supportive partner.

I am always proud of Mike.  He always make me proud to be his wife.  Today however my pride swells a little bigger as it does every year for the last 5 years at this time.  Today Mike is in Washington DC for the National Fragile X Foundation's Advocacy Day.  He will tell our story and make  requests on behalf of the almost 1 million Americans living with a Fragile X Disorder.  Tomorrow he be in several meetings on Capitol Hill where he will tell our story to help make the future a better place for Hayden and for me.   He won't do this alone.  He will be surrounded by almost 200 advocates that will share their own stories of the people they love so much.  They will all stand together to bring awareness and funding for Fragile X.  Almost 200 members of our Fragile X family will take part in one of the most important and emotional days that they have ever been a part of.  From the bottom of my heart I thank you, all of you!

So yea I know I married the most amazing man.  I am thankful every day for it.  Some people say that their spouse makes them stronger.  I disagree with Mike I don't have to be strong.  I can be weak because I know he will be strong for me.  I can stay in the security of arms and know everything will be ok, that he will forever have my back.  When I have to be strong I know that he will make me strong.  He will always be my biggest fan and give me the confidence I need to take on the world.  I am a very lucky lady.  He is the most amazing man I have ever known and I've known some pretty great men.  I love you more than I will ever be able to express to you Mike. 

Tomorrow is also spread the word to end the word day.  If you want more information check this out.

 http://r-word.org/
or
 http://ourfxjourney.blogspot.com/2012/03/advocacy-and-stupidity.html
or
http://ourfxjourney.blogspot.com/2011/03/wow-wow-is-all-i-can-say-about-week-im.html




I cannot express enough gratitude for the family and friends who over the last few years have told us they no longer use the "r" word.  Its mean everything to us.  To the family and friends who have apologized because they have used it in front of us, I thank you.  To some it may seem really small but to me it's huge.  Every time you use it you are making fun of somebody with a mental disability.  If you would like a list of words you can use in place of the "r" word let me know.  I'd be happy to send you a list.

Just a side note Hayden will be participating in his first Special Olympics Event on Friday.  Is it appropriate to paint my face and write his name on forehead?   Is it tacky to paint his name all over my car?  Be prepared for FB to blow up with pictures because Mike and I will both be there with our Faces Painted...ok maybe not but there will pictures, lots of pictures.

We did get the results of Cynthia's sleep study and more tests are needed.  For now I will leave it at that until we get more information.   Please keep her and our family in your prayers as we await more results. 

Love,
Tina

2013

I swear it feels like I was just saying "wow it's December already" and now it's 2013!  Time flies when you're having fun.  I don't have a fancy recap of 2012.  I don't have the time to look back at the year and analyze it.  What's the point really?   it's over, look forward.  I will cherish the good and learn from the bad.  I tend to spend most of my energy freaking out about the future rather than freaking out about the past.  I'm real mature like that ;).   For those of you who want a little bit of a recap here you go.  Hayden turned 7!   He went to his first Nascar race and loved every minute of it.   Now he doesn't want to watch Nascar unless he goes to the track.  He's a bit spoiled.  We adopted a little girl named Cynthia and we loved every minute of it.  She turned 3 and tells me she loves me all the days!  I laughed, I cried, I was confused, I was completely certain.   Mike went duck hunting.  We lived a lot, we learned a lot, we loved a lot.  It was, as they all are a very blessed year. 

Mike refuses to make new years resolutions.  Personally I think he makes them but doesn't tell anybody about it.  He's super smart like that.   I on the other hand make them every year and blab them every year.  Unfortunately I usually don't stick with them very often.  Looking back on last years...oh wait I only look forward, that's right.  Who cares about last years resolutions.  This year my resolution is to be the best me I can be.    I'm not getting any younger and Lord knows dieting isn't getting any easier.  Forty is nipping at my heels and I want to be in the best shape of my life before that happens.  When did 40 become closer than 30?  Duh, when I turned 36.  Is it sad that I had to ask Mike how old I was going to be?  I actually thought I was I was going to be turning a year older than I actually am this year.  It must be my mature way of thinking.  I joined a gym this year and I'm not hating it.  There is usually some point during my workouts I plot to hurt the instructor or one of ladies in the front row who are way to enthusiastic.  Other than that I am doing good.  I mean I haven't ACTUALLY hurt anybody.  So that's good right?  Again it's real mature of me.

Then there is the whole time management goal. I stink at time management.  I much prefer surfing the internet over cleaning.  My life would be so much simpler if I just did things throughout the day.  Instead I sit around, tidy up, sit around, straighten up this...then the panic sets in as the clock hits 4:30.  Oh smack my husband is going to be home in less than an hour.   I must make it look like I did more than just create a loving a nurturing environment for my two children all day.  I must start dinner and mad dash pick up the house.  Come on I am not the only one...right?

Away from resolutions.......

Hayden:  we are finally getting life back on track for him.  We are getting Hayden back.  YAY!!!  He's our fun loving little man again.  He's doing much better in school and at home.  Christmas break was a turning point.  I think he needed that break.  I think he needed to be home and relaxed for a couple of weeks. 

Tomorrow our cupcake goes for a sleep study.  I don't think I have shared this on the blog, but here it goes she bangs her head at night.  I mean she really bangs her head at night.  To the point where she needs to wear a helmet and at least once a week wakes up with bruises around her eyes and nose.  It's heartbreaking.  We can't stop it no matter what we try.  Most of the specialist we've seen have said it's just something she does and "hopefully" she will outgrow it soon.  Nope didn't like that answer, so I pushed for a sleep study.  We are going to rule everything out before we just say its something she does.  More than likely it is nothing and has a lot to do with what happened before she came to us.  Now it's just a habit she can't break.  I just ask for prayers.  I'm not sure for what but pray that we get to the bottom of it and it's nothing serious.

So tomorrow I will go and "sleep" in a bed next to her.  Watch as she bangs her head and not be able to do anything about it.  She won't be able to wear her helmet because she will be hooked up to monitors.  I am so worried she is going to get hurt or bang her head to hard.

If you think about us tomorrow please say a prayer for her.

I hope everyone Is having a wonderful 2013 so far.  Here's my goofy babies over Christmas.  I think my heart just melted. 

.

Love
Tina

Is this about me or him??

I heard that phrase a few times during a recent visit with an awesome Fragile X family, a family that I am so happy to call friends. It was amazing to watch Cindi and Chris Rogers parent.    I learned so much.  It was so great to pick their brains while they were here visiting.   Hanging out with them and their boys was SO MUCH FUN!!  In the beginning I thought that's all it was, one FX family getting together with another FX family.  I didn't know at the time how their words and their parenting would shape the next month in our lives.   Mike and I had no idea how much we would lean on words that were said or concepts that were touched upon in simple conversation.

You all know if you read the blog regularly that Hayden is having a pretty rough year.  The toughest we have seen not only at school but at home as well.   I haven't wanted to blog or even talk about it. Frankly it's been heartbreaking to watch and believe me I have have had to watch A LOT.  Hidden in closets so that I would not be seen to observe what his day is like.  It seemed so cruel to me for the district to ask me to compare my child with his "typical" second graders.  I mean hello...I know he's not like a "typical" almost 8 year old child.  Why do I need a reminder??  I have an almost 8 year old who still loves "goodnight moon" and an almost 8 year old who can't ride a bike, or read or do math and I have an almost 8 year old who can't tell me what he wants for Christmas.  I KNOW the difference.  I see it everyday in my community, on facebook, and all around me.   I watch as his three year old sister does things that he can't.  He has a hard time when daddy takes him to school cause that's not our normal routine.  He has a hard time when any little kink gets thrown into our normal routine.  Why do I need to go and "watch" him in a class of his typical peers???  Why???   But I did it and I can admit that after I put the emotions to the side (yeah that's me crazy mom crying to the gen ed teacher) and really watched, it was eye opening.  These words kept coming back to me "this is more about you then it is him".  I had to ask myself several times  "who is this about?"  "who are we doing this for"?  Realizing that it was about ME and it was for ME (I can be selfish like that who knew?).  Realizing that I had a little boy who was so frustrated and overstimulated in a situation that "I" thought was the right situation.  In a situation I pushed for because that's what I was told I had to do.  This was about me and not Hayden.

These last few weeks have opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking.  It has opened my eyes to look at Hayden differently and to look at what his needs are.  I am so thankful for an awesome Special Education teacher that goes above and beyond what each individual child needs.  I got to watch an entire lesson that was taught laying down cause that is what Hayden wanted to do.  I got to watch my little boy be happy and successful.  I got to see how proud he was of himself because he WAS successful.  We now do homework laying down or sitting on the floor instead of at the kitchen table chair.  These things that I so selfishly thought I had to do.  I mean really sitting in a seat is so overrated anyway.  Google employees don't sit in chairs they sit on balls and they are supposed to be the happiest people around.  So maybe he will get a job at google someday.  Is there really anything better than to see your child successful no matter what it is or at what level they are at?  I have had to let go of some of my expectations and realize he's just not there.  I have had to ask myself questions I didn't want to ask or even think about.  I have learned though that once you take the first step the second is easier and the third even easier.  Am I giving up on my goals for Hayden?  Not at all...I'm just reevaluating how we get there and how long it might take.  In the words of my husband, we are "going back to blocking and tackling".  I think it means we are going back to basics.  I know we have had a lot of huddling and very few touch downs.  But the touch downs that we have had have been amazing and we would probably get penalized for excessive celebrating.  So for now we take a step back, go back to basics and start thinking about what is best for Hayden.  I have looked at Hayden with new eyes.  Lately those eyes have been tear filled.  I have seen the ways I have failed him and I am trying to make that better now. 

Moving on to Cupcake..it's still hard for me to type Cynthia...lol  She is having a sleep study done next month.  That's another blog post for another time.  Please pray that we find answers to her sleeping troubles.  Can I say I want answers but nothing too dramatic?  Can I pray for that???  Again sometimes I can be selfish I admit it!!  She is talking up a storm and doing what all good little sister's do...driving her big brother a little bit crazy.

Me well I feel like I am treading water in one place and not going anywhere.  I feel like one thing gets resolved but there are four more waiting.   I feel like one mess gets get cleaned but there are eight more waiting and two more messes currently getting created.  I know I am the ONLY mom who feels this way.  EVERYONE else has it totally together.  Every other mom is feeding there children four course meals and has all the Christmas presents wrapped already.  I just know it's only me treading water and not going anywhere.  But, hey I bought a pair of non mom jeans so life is good.   Honestly in light of recent events I am blessed to have IEP's and sleep studies and messes.  I am blessed to have noise and two little children fighting.   I am blessed on Christmas morning my babies will open their presents that I have wrapped.  I am blessed to be treading water.
 
 

Love,

Tina

Heaven and Earth

A few blogs ago I talked about the posts that get put into drafts for some reason or another.  This is one of those posts.  I figured it was now or never.  It was written very early on when we got Cupcake. I didn't change any of it except the ending.

I look at this little girl so filled with emotion I have no idea what to do with.  It's like March 18th again.  The day I gave birth to Hayden.  Except I did not give birth to her someone else did.  She is not even technically "mine" yet.  However, I look at her and know just like I know with Hayden..I would lay my life down for her.  I would sacrifice whatever I had to for her.  I would move heaven and earth just like I would for Hayden to see her smile.  I cannot imagine my life without her.  From somewhere in the back of my mind the guilt comes.  I am taking another mommy's baby.  Someone else loved her first and lost her.  That woman's loss is my gain.  That woman that do not even know.  I cannot imagine the pain she felt or the loss that went through her.  I can't imagine what she is feeling now.  Does she hate herself?  Does she hate me?  I've had this little girl in my life for only a few weeks and I don't want to know what it would be like to loose her.  I don't ever want to loose this little one and pray that never happens.  I've seen the file I know the kind of life she was dealt.  I know that it was troubled from the beginning.  My heart breaks at the trauma one little girl has had to endure.  My heart breaks at the trauma and rough life her biological mom has had to go through.  Her loss will be my gain.  Does she think about her?  Would this life we are giving her be the same kind of life she would have dreamed for her?  Would this be the life she would have given her if she could?  Am I doing what she would have done if she could?  I wonder what I would say if I ever ran into her?  Would she recognize her?  How do I answer the questions...why don't you have baby pictures of me? Why did you take me from her?  Why didn't you have a baby of your own?

Can I meet my biological mom?  I would like to say that I would be supportive of this one should she ever want too, but, I know I would die a little inside.  Because what if she doesn't love me as much?  What if the bond they have is greater?  What if she's mad at me for taking her?  What if I can't explain it all in a way she will understand?    What if she wants to see the file?  Do I protect her from that?  Do I show her?  Do I even keep this file if it all goes through to adoption?

How do I explain how much I love her and how much I wanted her?   How much I promise to move Heaven and Earth for her.  How much I would give my own life for hers?  How do you say to a little girl that's not even yours?  Will she someday understand?  Will I even get to tell her all of this someday?  Will she be mine forever?

Three days from now I will get to show her for the rest of her life how much I love her.   I will get to move heaven and earth for her.  She will be mine forever.   I will pray that when the time comes all the words come out right and love shows through.  I pray for the mommy who gave birth to her.  I pray that wherever she is she finds peace. 

Love,
Tina 

We have a date!!! We have date!!

We didn't see her first steps....but we will see every step she takes from here forward!

On October 19th in a private ceremony in front of a judge...Cupcake will officially be a MAKRIS!

I am going to stop now cause emotions are pretty high.....

Thank you so much to everyone for saying prayers and for hoping with us.

Pictures will follow as soon as we get home!

Love,
Tina