Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Heaven and Earth

A few blogs ago I talked about the posts that get put into drafts for some reason or another.  This is one of those posts.  I figured it was now or never.  It was written very early on when we got Cupcake. I didn't change any of it except the ending.

I look at this little girl so filled with emotion I have no idea what to do with.  It's like March 18th again.  The day I gave birth to Hayden.  Except I did not give birth to her someone else did.  She is not even technically "mine" yet.  However, I look at her and know just like I know with Hayden..I would lay my life down for her.  I would sacrifice whatever I had to for her.  I would move heaven and earth just like I would for Hayden to see her smile.  I cannot imagine my life without her.  From somewhere in the back of my mind the guilt comes.  I am taking another mommy's baby.  Someone else loved her first and lost her.  That woman's loss is my gain.  That woman that do not even know.  I cannot imagine the pain she felt or the loss that went through her.  I can't imagine what she is feeling now.  Does she hate herself?  Does she hate me?  I've had this little girl in my life for only a few weeks and I don't want to know what it would be like to loose her.  I don't ever want to loose this little one and pray that never happens.  I've seen the file I know the kind of life she was dealt.  I know that it was troubled from the beginning.  My heart breaks at the trauma one little girl has had to endure.  My heart breaks at the trauma and rough life her biological mom has had to go through.  Her loss will be my gain.  Does she think about her?  Would this life we are giving her be the same kind of life she would have dreamed for her?  Would this be the life she would have given her if she could?  Am I doing what she would have done if she could?  I wonder what I would say if I ever ran into her?  Would she recognize her?  How do I answer the questions...why don't you have baby pictures of me? Why did you take me from her?  Why didn't you have a baby of your own?

Can I meet my biological mom?  I would like to say that I would be supportive of this one should she ever want too, but, I know I would die a little inside.  Because what if she doesn't love me as much?  What if the bond they have is greater?  What if she's mad at me for taking her?  What if I can't explain it all in a way she will understand?    What if she wants to see the file?  Do I protect her from that?  Do I show her?  Do I even keep this file if it all goes through to adoption?

How do I explain how much I love her and how much I wanted her?   How much I promise to move Heaven and Earth for her.  How much I would give my own life for hers?  How do you say to a little girl that's not even yours?  Will she someday understand?  Will I even get to tell her all of this someday?  Will she be mine forever?

Three days from now I will get to show her for the rest of her life how much I love her.   I will get to move heaven and earth for her.  She will be mine forever.   I will pray that when the time comes all the words come out right and love shows through.  I pray for the mommy who gave birth to her.  I pray that wherever she is she finds peace. 


1 comment:

Amy Z. said...

love, love, love. Tina- you write the truth on so many levels- yours, cupcake's biological mother's, her's, possibly, in the future. I am so happy for you and Mike and Hayden and cupcake. God knows that you need each other. xoxoxoxo