Thursday, September 27, 2012

To post or not to post

This is one of the posts that has been written and rewritten and deleted, then written again.  I have a few of those in my drafts.  You know the blog posts that just feel too personal or too ugly or not positive enough.  Maybe I'll post them or maybe I won't....

I am usually one of those FX mommies who rarely complain about the life God handed us.  I rarely get depressed about Fragile X.  I try really hard to not beat myself up.  Toot-ta-ta-toot (that's me tooting my own horn)!  I learned very early on that being depressed or getting mad about it helps nobody.  It doesn't make life any easier in fact it make life unbearable.  Who wants to be around a negative my life sucks person?  Not me!!  Sometimes though I go there.  I get mad, I get sad, I start to blame myself.  I can usually bring myself out of the downward spiral really quick.  The past month has not been one of those times.  It's been probably the hardest time since I can remember if not ever.  Hayden had a really rough transition to school this year.  I mean REALLY ROUGH.  I've never seen anything like it with him.  I walked to the car and cried more than once every week for a month and almost every night.  We were getting reports home like we have never seen.  Hayden destroyed the classroom, Hayden came out of the bath room naked, Hayden is being violent towards other kids and teachers, Hayden is eating his assignments.  Day after day after day we were getting reports like this.  The more I tried to pull things out of our bag of tricks the more things failed.  We knew the start of school would be rough it always is but this was beyond anything I could have imagined.  I was at the point of not having any idea what to do.  I hate that helpless feeling.  I hate not being able to help him.  I watched as my easy going little boy changed.  I mean I didn't recolonize him.  He was mean and distant.  I blamed myself...I did genes.  I prayed, I cried, I pleaded.  Anything just please bring him back, I'll do anything.  Daily notes and calls with the teacher, observations, talks with the principle and so much more was going on.  The worst part was everybody was stumped.  We talked about what it would take to change schools.  We talked about med changes and maybe adding more meds.  One call changed our call...a call I made to the teacher saying "please understand this is not Hayden, this is not our little boy" and she said "I know we are working on the problem and we are going to fix it".  I have never in my life felt like a weight had been lifted, like I did in that moment.  I mean really who is going to believe the mommy?  Every mommy says their baby is the best and would never do any of these things.  No really my baby is the best and has never done any of these things.  We implemented med changes at home and they implemented a lot of changes at school.  Whala my little boy is back.  It's like we have a whole different little man.  I have no idea what was happening in that classroom but thank goodness everyone was able to fix it.  Thank goodness Hayden has a team that does not have their heads in the sand with the attitude of "lets wait and see".   Thank you to everyone who I cried to or turned coffee's and lunches into a complain session.  Thank you to the few people who knew what was going on a prayed with me.

Cupcake - we are waiting on go.  There has been a date tossed out there but It's not definite yet.  Wating...waiting and waiting.   She is loving everything about school and how social it is.  She's at the age where she is still innocent enough to tell on herself.  Here's a tidbit of what our conversations are like ...
M: How was school?
C: Good....sit down (in a very stern voice).
M: Did the teacher tell you to sit down?
C: Yea a lot.  (giggle)

So I am really working hard on trying to loose weight as I have told you all before.  I am my first 20 lbs down and ready for new jeans.  Finally ONE. SIZE. DOWN.  Being shorts really stinks.  Anyway, it seems like all over the internet everyone is talking about mom jeans.  I follow a few blogs and they are talking about the evil of the "mom" jeans with very specific criteria of what "mom" jeans are and are not.  I am stressing out about this people!!  I find myself checking out other woman's butts and assessing if they have "mom" jeans on or not.  What. is. wrong. with. me? I am checking out butts of other woman.  Yep now all my friends are gonna make we walk in front.  It's for research people geesh don't get your "mom" jeans in a bunch.  I can firmly say that there is a difference and those "mom" jeans not very attractive. Even nice butts don't look good in "mom" jeans.  I have been finding myself getting excited when I go through the check list and determine that a pair of jeans are not mom jeans.  Then I have to stop myself from asking the person what kind of jeans she has on.  Cause you know that wouldn't be creepy at all "hello lady I have never met before, your butt looks good, what kind of jeans are those?"  Any way I am too stressed out to buy jeans because A) it's too much criteria to think about and B) non "mom" jeans are really expensive.  Surely not all my jeans are mom jeans right?  Yep they are...sad very sad..More to come on the "mom" jean saga....maybe

Love ya,

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